lightupfic

“There is nothing more humbling than being reminded of the fact that I’m willingly fucking a gross, stinky boy. Thank you for that.”

Wooyoung shrugs, unbothered by San’s words. “I would say it takes one to know one, but I kind of like how you smell.”

“Ew.”

“Stop being so judgemental, everyone is into different things.”

“And you’re into what?” San asks. “Sweaty men in desperate need of a shower?”

“If they’re you,” Wooyoung pauses, giving San a very pointed once over before going back to doing up his jeans, “then yes.”

“Yeah, maybe,” San says quietly. He’s not sure what it is exactly he is commenting on, whether it’s an oddly weak agreement to the indisputable fact that yes, sometimes he is sweaty because it comes with the job, or if it’s an acknowledgement of the other part.

The constant pit of dread that resides within his chest makes itself known and San tenses, expecting it to deepen with each breath as it tends to at times like this but, rather than expanding, it shrinks in on itself just a little. He doesn't know what to do with that realisation and the mere thought of trying to make sense of it right now feels far too daunting. He just wants to have a nice evening with Wooyoung and their friends, not have some kind of existential crisis.

I think this scene comes off as an insignificant blip in San's life, and I worry that some people might think it's lazy, rushed, or unrealistic. San has this huge realisation that all the things he has been experiencing add up to him being a man, something he's tried very hard not to let himself think about, but then decides he's okay with it enough to spend the rest of the evening living his life instead of trying to deal with the potentially life altering implications of coming to such a terrifying (to him) conclusion.

I can't see a future for myself the way San does, I don't know how to be brave like him, but I want to be because how else will I be able to live? That is most of the reason San chooses his life over his fears here.

He was originally meant to spiral after having this realisation (and an alternative, much darker version of his inner monologue exists) because that's how I felt trying to come to terms with how much of this story is what I want from life and feel like I will never get to have, but it's not my story. It's about San figuring himself out and becoming comfortable in his identity, and it felt right for him to be okay with this realisation that he might be a man.

I wanted him to be at peace with it because I want that for myself and I want that for other trans people struggling to find their sense of self, I want us to be okay.