this bruise is yellow: from beginning to end

[lightupfic]

So much love and care went into ‘this bruise is yellow’. I wrote it because I wanted to read it, but I never anticipated it would end up being so incredibly important to me.

This commentary is entirely self-indulgent and I’m mostly writing it because I’d like to be able to look back and remember some of what went into this fic if I ever want to (and it’s my baby, I love talking about it). It's quite long (despite me skipping over so many things), but I’ve organised it by chapter if you want to read any specific parts rather than reading the whole thing.

contains spoilers!

Chapter 1

Most of this chapter was not part of the first draft. Their first encounter at the club was half the length, written entirely in past tense, and without any direct speech; none of the other scenes even existed.

I never intended for there to be so many feelings involved in this fic, or as much relationship development as there is, but the more I wrote the more obvious it became that the first scene did not do the story justice. I debated the merit of re-writing the introduction for quite a while because I really did write this fic for myself and I wasn't sure if it mattered that the beginning might not be compelling, but I ultimately decided that I love this too much to not make it as good as I possibly could.

So, for the second draft I rewrote the first scene entirely, keeping only the bones of the original text, and added in the second two scenes to better show how much their relationship changes over time.

“Did we argue or fuck last night?”

“Uh…” San trails off, trying to recall what actually happened. His memory is a little fuzzy, but he definitely remembers Hongjoong yelling at them to shut up at some point, so they probably did argue.

This scene (fully inspired by the tweet below) is when Hongjoong found out about them (“One minute you were arguing and then the next thing I knew you had your tongues down each other's throats.”), which is hilarious to me considering San goes half a year thinking no one except Yeosang or Jongho knows.

Chapter 2

wooyoung: 🍆💦?

san: I hate you

wooyoung: sure

While writing the second draft, I thought ‘Hmm, something’s not quite right here, Wooyoung isn’t being annoying enough’, and that is how the text exchange at the beginning of chapter 2 came about.

Chapter 3

San breathes out, letting go of a breath he was not even aware he was holding. “Yeah, I kind of thought I was a lesbian for years, but I was always kind of quiet about it because I never really felt like the label fit me. I could never quite figure out why.”

“I think it was mostly gender stuff though because I don’t remember ever being into men until after I started questioning my gender and you’re the first one I’ve ever…” Ever what, San doesn’t know.

Sometimes you project and you don’t even know you’re projecting!

Chapter 4

“Does she think I’m…” San hesitates, he knows what he wants to ask but not how he wants to ask it. He wants to know if Wooyoung let his parents think San is a girl, for his mother to have asked about their relationship like that. Ultimately, he leaves his question incomplete, unable to make himself say the words he means. Maybe on another day he could, but not today.

“I didn’t lie about who you are, San, or let my parents make false assumptions either. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

This exchange was, unfortunately, inspired by personal experience (cw: misgendering, lack of agency).

I came out to a friend (back then I was only using they/them pronouns) and one of the first things she did was inform me she would keep using gendered terms (presumably feminine ones) for me in her native language because there’s no gender neutrality. Things like that are complicated, but it stings that I was never asked if maybe masculine terms would be better, which… yes!

So San’s fear stems from the worry that it might have been easier for Wooyoung to just let his parents think San is a woman, rather than trying to explain something that was, at that time, less straightforward than just him being a man. Finding out that Wooyoung hasn't done that takes San by surprise, and it goes a long way towards helping him trust that Wooyoung attraction to him is not rooted in him seeing San as someone he's not.

Chapter 5

I love all of this fic, there is not a single part of it I’m even a little unsatisfied with anymore. So much thought and consideration went into every scene, they all add something of value to the story (even that something is just a brief glimpse into their relationship at a given point in time), and so much care was taken with pacing, characterisation, background relationships, the timeline of events, and everything else imaginable. That said, the first scene of chapter 5 is one of my favourites.

It was one I really looked forward to writing and, whenever I was struggling to find the motivation to keep writing earlier scenes, I would bribe myself with the promise that it would get me closer to writing this little bit of hurt/comfort and domestic fluff. I really like how it turned out too because it feels like a nice turning point in San and Wooyoung’s relationship from both of their perspectives.

“Who said anything about hands? I’m pretty sure I saw a vibrator at the back of your drawer the other week, unless you have a very phallic-shaped candle or something. Actually, that would be kind of fun,” Wooyoung rambles, thankfully paying no mind to the ridiculously fond smile San is trying his hardest to fight back. “I should see if they make those, Yeonjun’s birthday is coming up.”

“Can I use it on you? Would you be okay with that, since I wouldn’t be directly touching you?” [...]

The vibrator scene actually didn’t exist until maybe the third draft? But there is a reference to it in chapter 7 (”If they were at his apartment instead of Wooyoung’s right now, he could have Wooyoung use a toy on him like he has before [...]”) and the more I thought about it, I realised that experience would be significant enough to San to be deserving of its own scene.

And I wanted to write it, so I did. A lot of things in this fic come down to that, if there was something I wanted to write for them and it fit my intentions for the narrative, I wrote it.

Chapter 6

Wooyoung is excitedly explaining something about how they’re translating elements of that to fit modern styles. Quite honestly, most of it is going over San’s head.

“That’s so hot,” he blurts out, the words rushing from his mouth before he even realises he’s speaking.

While I was writing this, I could make everything about them. When I saw this tweet I instantly thought ‘Yeah, this is 100% San when Wooyoung gets all nerdy talking about history things San has no clue about’, and had to write it into the fic.

Chapter 7

“How do you feel?” Wooyoung asks when he eventually comes back for good, settling on the bed next to San with head propped up by his arm as he looks at him.

San frowns at him, disgruntled by the distance between them, and pulls him closer for a kiss. “Good, nice, that was nice.”

There are lots of deleted snippets and a few deleted scenes from this fic, but the most substantial one happened in chapter 7. San’s answer was different in the first draft (“Weird.” / “Good weird or bad weird?” / “Maybe a little bit bad.”) and a whole conversation came from this about San’s fear of liking things in the moment but regretting them later.

This was mostly about how they would make him feel in relation to his gender, and he was both confused and frustrated by this. He didn’t know how much of this hypothetical discomfort that he was afraid of would be genuine, and how much of it would be due to subconscious obligations to feel certain ways because of cishet cultural norms (like if he really is a man he shouldn’t enjoy X, Y, or Z).

I liked the content of this conversation and it was something I wanted to talk about, but their conversation felt oddly stilted to me, and I couldn’t figure out where it was going wrong. I left it in for quite a while, but by the time I finished writing the fic I realised I wanted this to be a good experience for San, unmarred by an internal conflict that felt out of place anyway.

It has now been replaced by the cute, fluffy exchange of Wooyoung flustering San and telling him he likes it when San asks for kisses, and I like that a lot more.

Chapter 8

He understands himself better than he did back then and, more importantly, he’s much more comfortable trying to figure out the things he doesn’t understand. Even a few months ago he never would have thought that something like wearing a packer would feel as right as it does, but it does. [...]

There was no mention of San having a packer in the first draft but then videos of cyberpunk San happened and… yeah. I had to. In what world would transmasc San not have a packer? Like this guy always has a hand on his crotch and you know what? Good for him!

Chapter 9

[San] kisses the mole on Wooyoung’s thigh, then the smaller one underneath, prettier than any constellation in the night sky. “And here,” he repeats, this time kissing the soft inside of his thigh.

This whole body worship-esque section didn’t exist until the final draft. In my mind Wooyoung’s own insecurities were going on in the background but they never really made it into the text. This was something I wanted to show though, and specifically in the context of him allowing himself to feel vulnerable and cared for with San. Those episodes of ’gae ppang meong’ with Wooyoung wearing those little shorts also happened (visuals for anyone who wants or needs them) and yeah… thighs. Thighs.

“There is nothing more humbling than being reminded of the fact that I’m willingly fucking a gross, stinky boy. Thank you for that.”

Wooyoung shrugs, unbothered by San’s words. “I would say it takes one to know one, but I kind of like how you smell.”

“Ew.”

The single T change San is not enthused about.

Chapter 10

The “San gets his dick sucked” scene in this chapter was supposed to be the entire fic, my plan was to write some angsty porn with very minor plot that definitely would not exceed 2,000 words. Their interaction was supposed to be a one night stand and in the original version Wooyoung is taken aback by San’s bottom growth, not having anticipated (or been told about) any changes associated with testosterone, and that in turn makes San lash out.

[NSFW] Outtake from the first draft of chapter 10, scene 1

“Oh,” Wooyoung says, looking at him.

San’s legs close on instinct and he pushes Wooyoung away. “It’s nothing you haven’t touched before, you literally had your mouth on my dick three seconds ago,” he spits out with more hostility than he has directed at Wooyoung in months, the last twenty minutes included. It feels wrong, like he’s playing a character that isn’t him, but it’s fucking humiliating to have Wooyoung react like that even if he didn’t mean anything by it.

“Sorry, sorry, I know.” Wooyoung shakes himself out of his stupor and presses what feels like an apology kiss into the side of San’s knee, then the junction of his thigh and hip when he relaxes under the touch. “I just never really thought about it I think?”

“Welcome to the wonders of testosterone.” San shrugs and hopes Wooyoung leaves it at that, biology lessons are even more of a mood killer than whatever that was.

However, the more I wrote and the further and further back this scene was pushed, the less that sequence of events made sense. It no longer fit within the context of their relationship—their physical intimacy up until this point, the affection and respect they have for each other—so I took it out. I considered moving the exchange to chapter 7, when San first lets Wooyoung touch him, but I wanted that experience to be entirely good for San and ended up reworking it into something else.

Reworked text from chapter 10, now in chapter 7

He sends a thank you to his past self for already having the foresight to have that difficult conversation so that he doesn’t have to now. It means that he’s already had the ‘things are different when you’re on testosterone’ talk with Wooyoung, and that is an immense relief because it eliminates the risk of him only finding out in the heat of the moment. San is pretty sure any kind of reaction to that would be humiliating, to say the least, and he can only imagine how much of a mood killer stopping for a quick biology lesson on bottom growth would be.

Chapter 11

“It’s fine, it would have been hard to miss even if that didn’t happen. You’re both about as subtle as… as a… I don’t know.” Hongjoong furrows his brows in concentration, lips pushing out in a small pout. “Something that’s not very subtle.”

Hongjoong is kind of tipsy here but I tried and failed to come up with a metaphor I liked for so long, so this was as much me failing to think of anything for Hongjoong to say as it was him being tipsy.

San exhales a huge breath he was not even aware he was holding and slumps back against the counter, overcome with a sudden surge of emotion. Fuck. He might really love Wooyoung.

This realisation was entirely unplanned, it happened because it felt right. There was never an ‘oh’ moment in the initial outline and the first time San ever used the word love to describe how he feels about Wooyoung was in chapter 12 (“It feels like there’s a glaringly loud ‘I love you’ left unspoken at the end of his sentence [...]”).

This scene was supposed to end with Wooyoung walking away after blowing San a kiss, but while I was writing it I felt like this would be the moment it really hits San that everything he feels for Wooyoung is love.

Chapter 12

“This is new,” Wooyoung comments, rubbing over the skin above San’s upper lip.

“Yeah.” San looks down and shrugs a shoulder self-consciously. “No work for almost a week means no shaving for a week.”

First stubble! All of his little milestones bring me so much joy.

Wooyoung immediately pulls San’s hand away from his eyes and takes a step forward. He stops in the doorway for a few moments, standing as still as a statue while he stares into the kitchen. San watches with bated breath as Wooyoung takes another tentative step forward to get a proper look around the room.

This paragraph had a [??] placeholder for so long because I could not for the life of me remember the phrase ‘as still as a statue’. I seriously cannot emphasise enough how long it evaded me.

“I don’t like him that much,” he complains, unable to come up with anything more witty to deflect with.

“San.” Seonghwa turns on her heel to look him dead in the eye. “You spent twenty minutes describing his laugh in excruciating detail to me last night. You are literally in love with him.”

This scene with Seonghwa was the last scene I wrote for this fic and a very late addition. It was something I was considering for months and there were a few motivations for this (one of which was a couple of comments on earlier chapters from people who were looking forward to seeing Seonghwa’s reaction to the situation, which I also wanted to see and, again, so much of what is in this fic comes down to me wanting to read and/or write it).

Despite the lack of one-on-one scenes with Seonghwa, she and Jongho are San’s closest friends, and I think this scene ended up being a nice insight into San’s relationship with her. It also ties up a few loose ends and actually changes the tone of the final scene ever so slightly because it’s now more obvious that San is absolutely certain of his desire to be with Wooyoung.

Thinking it can’t get any worse for him, San makes the mistake of looking even further down to where Wooyoung’s shirt is tucked into a pair of high-waisted slacks. He swears part of his soul ascends to a higher realm when he sees how the material clings to Wooyoung’s thighs. He’s almost tempted to throw his plans for this evening out the window in favour of getting himself between them right this second.

This fic would not be complete without at least one more breakdown over Wooyoung’s thighs. The entire description of Wooyoung’s outfit was added for the sole purpose of appreciating how pretty he is and it was worth it. I will do it again.

Gender

When I started writing this, I always intended to have an open ending in regards to San's gender. I didn't want to tie it up neatly. I wanted to show that it's okay to go through all of this self-discovery and still end up with no defined answers, but there was some personal fear driving that decision.

I think that comes across in the story, with San being reluctant to let himself think too hard about certain things he knows to be true (“[He is] trying very hard not to think about the possibility that [he] might be a man because the implications of that feel too big [...]”), and I’m not entirely sure how much of that was intentional on my part.

I think it’s pretty obvious that this fic means a lot to me, but it’s not just the work itself, the process of writing it has also been really important because (as scary as it is) it has allowed, encouraged, and sometimes even forced me to confront my own relationship with gender. I went from thinking that the whole concept of gender wasn't for me, and that medical transition was not something I would ever need, to realising neither of those things are true.

It's still too daunting to put everything into words for myself, but I put it into words for San. Accepting (not realising, I think he knew for a long time, maybe even from the beginning of this story) that he is a man is where his story was always headed and it was the closure he needed and deserved.

“San can finally see a life for himself, one that he gets to live.”